Random Sports Crush: Alyssa Milano

Today’s random sports crush is Alyssa Milano. Alyssa is a blogger for MLB.com, and…
WHAT?! YOU NOMINATED ALYSSA MILANO FOR THE RANDOM SPORTS CRUSH? MAINSTREAM SELLOUT! WHAT’S NEXT, YANKEES HATS? 50-CENT CD’S?
Let me continue. Anyway, Alyssa Milano loves baseball, and…
FOR THE LAST TIME, I SHALL OVERCOME! BLOW THE TRUMPET IN ZION! PRINT THE LOW QUALITY T-SHIRTS TO SELL FOR $30 TO DIMWITTED READERS! MR CAPS SHALL BE HEARD!
Sigh. I have run this blog for four months without resorting to multiple personality gimmicks or posting gmail chats. That’s more than most multi-writer blogs can say. Where’s that delete key…
HANDS TO THE SKY, MC! LET MR CAPS OVERWHELM YOUR FLEDGLING BLOGGING AUDIENCE WITH HIS WIT, WISDOM, AND GENERAL HIJINKS! OR HE WILL POST THE RECENTLY DISCOVERED FOOTAGE OF YOUR PERFORMANCE AT THE COUNTY SPELLING BEE! CAN WE SAY “GEOMETRICALLY PATTERNED SWEATER AND OVERBITE”, CLASS?
No! Anything but that! I won’t erase your comments, promise!
BETTER. WHY ARE YOU FEATURING A SHE-DWARF OF HOLLYWOOD IN THE SACRED RANDOM SPORTS CRUSH POST? IS NOT THIS SPACE RESERVED FOR AMAZONIAN ATHLETES WHO HAVE LARGER BICEPS THAN YOU?
I never said RSC’s were merely athletes. The key is to choose overlooked people for overlooked reasons. Thus, although Alyssa is somewhat famous, I am featuring her for her sportsblog, rather than her skills as a…
SKILLS?! LIE! THIS DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS OUR CO-AUTHORED, PEER REVIEWED PAPER ON “OVERVALUATION OF HOLLYWOOD ACTRESSES IN LOOKS AND THESPIAN ABILITY: THE DIMINUATIVE FACTOR” INCLUDING AS SPECIAL CASES ALYSSA AND HER COLLEAGUES KRISTEN DUNST, EVA LONGORIA, SCARLET JOHANNSON, AND NATALIE PORTMAN.
What?! The evidence for Natalie is not significant at the 95% confidence level! You can’t include her too! Now you’ve gone too far!
TOO FAR?! TOO FAR UNLIKE CHILD ACTRESSES WHO REFUSE TO FIND LEGITIMATE EMPLOYMENT AFTER THE ONSET OF PUBERTY. ARE THERE NO ORPHANAGES? NO PRISONS? NO IVY LEAGUE SCHOOLS WITH A DESPERATE NEED FOR GLAMOUR TO BALANCE THEIR OVERWHELMING NERD ODOR AND OLD MONEY STENCH? NO AGING WEALTHY INVESTMENT BANKERS TOO FOOLISH TO SIGN PRE-NUPS?
Hear me out. I’ve tried to keep this blog free of the mainstream bias, casual objectification, or misogyny found elsewhere in the sports bloggosphere. But I really was impressed by Alyssa’s blog of April 18. She reports the accusation that she dates many MLB players. Then she pointed out the cultural double standard that calls her “loose” while glorifying the male athletes who date any actress they can find. Finally, she admits that she will probably date more baseball players, but she’s doing it from the heart and trying her best to find Mr. Right. She even made a baseball analogy about swinging at an 0-2 pitch! Since when does a female respond to a criticism with logic, silly sports analogies, and being willing to admit her faults? Regardless of looks, that’s worthy of a Random Sports Crush placement, even though my taste in females tends to run to those who don’t use a paintbrush to apply mascara. It’s refreshing to read writing by a famous person that has some honesty and respect for the reader rather than relentless spin.
IN OTHER WORDS, YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON HER MIDDLE-AGED GHOSTWRITER AT MLB.COM.
Probably. But hey, I’m just taking my best cut at the 0-2 pitch hoping for a fastball down the middle, and…
LEAVE THE BASEBALL ANALOGIES TO ALYSSA. MR CAPS WILL PUT UP WITH IT THIS ONCE. MR CAPS SHALL CONSOLE HIMSELF WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT HIS PRESENCE IS KNOWN TO SPORTS BLOGS EVERYWHERE. PEOPLE DO READ YOUR BLOGS, RIGHT?
Um…
CERTAINLY THE HOI POLLOI SHALL FLOCK NOW THAT MY PRESENCE IS KNOWN. UNLEASHED, I SHALL NOW EXPLAIN TO YOU AND YOUR READERS MY THEORY ON WHY BLOGS RELENTLESSLY MOCK ESPN. AHEM. FREUD DEFINES AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX AS
I think MR CAPS has done enough damage to the cerebral reputation of this site for one week. There’s a reason why this post is running on a Wednesday.
READERS, PLEASE SHARE WITH MCBIAS IN THE COMMENT SECTION YOUR APPRECIATION FOR POSTING THE CHARISMATIC CONSOMME THAT IS MR CAPS. ELSE HE MAY FORCE ME TO RETURN TO MY USUAL WORK OF TYPING “FIRST” IN VARIOUS YOUTUBE VIDEO COMMENT SECTIONS.
Consomme can’t be charismatic!