I have a confession to make. I was (deep breath) a Laker hater. While others ooo'ed and ahh'ed over the three-peat a few years ago, I was busily hoping for someone to grab Rick Fox's oiled mane and slam him to the ground, or irritatingly quoting Robert Horry's shockingly low regular season averages and complaining that the Lakers got all the breaks. However, I have decided to reform and love this current edition of (bad cultural reference alert!) the Jackson Five. Haha! But seriously folks, are they not...
MR CAPS MUST ACT NOW TO PREVENT THIS MOMENT OF INSANITY.
Again?! Look, there's nothing insane about me giving this batch of Lakers a chance! The only time I am insane is when I write you into my posts. Please see yourself out.
MC BIAS IS NOT INSANE? MR CAPS TOOK NOTE OF YOUR ATTEMPT TO FIND SPORTS BLOGGER LOVE ON THE BIG LEAD's MYSPACE PAGE. MR CAPS RANKS YOUR CHANCES WITH JENNA FISCHER HIGHER THAN THAT MISGUIDED ATTEMPT AT INTERNET MATING.
It wasn't for Internet mating! Besides, there's nothing wrong with what two consenting Ethernet cables do in the privacy of their packaging.
SIGH. AND WITH JOKES LIKE THAT, YOU WONDER WHY YOU NEED ME?
Ok, ok, that was pretty corny. Let me leave you speechless with my brilliant reasons why the Lakers roster is worth loving. First, you can't talk about the Lakers without mentioning Kobe Bryant. The man has overcome personal adversity and the criticism of an unusually vocal cast of haters to be an MVP candidate and lead the Lakers to compete for the Western Conference. I find his story to be uniquely American as he has recovered from his fall from grace. It's almost like the Prodigal Son or something.
FALL FROM GRACE? PERSONAL ADVERSITY? KOBE BRYANT HAS HAD TWO SOURCES OF PERSONAL ADVERSITY IN HIS CAREER. ONE IS ABOVE HIS SHOULDERS. THE OTHER IS BETWEEN HIS LEGS. NEITHER IS THE FAULT OF ANYONE BUT KOBE.
Oh come on, Kobe rape jokes are so tired! I admit that what happened in that Colorado hotel room was possibly a crime. But I also think his crime was more the result of her aggression in tracking him down and wanting to spend time with him rather than some sort of cold-blooded rape plans on his part. And are we going to bring that case up for the rest of his life?
MR CAPS RECOGNIZES KOBE'S TALENT AND THE PART THAT PHIL AND SHAQ PLAYED IN SAVAGING KOBE'S REPUTATION. BUT MR CAPS IS ADAMANT ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THAT CASE. BEING A MEMBER OF KOBE'S "UNUSUALLY VOCAL CAST OF HATERS" SHOULD NOT INVOLVE SCREAMING "NO! NO!"
Thanks for making me nauseous. Let's move on, ok? I know you won't have anything bad to say about Pau Gasol. The kind bearded giant is a class act whose arrival has fueled the Lakers surge to the top of the conference.
THAT THING ON PAU'S FACE IS NOT A BEARD. IT IS A RESCUE MISSION FOR HOMELESS DWARVES. PAU IS A CHARTER MEMBER IN THE WHINY EUROS CLUB, ALONG WITH KIRILENKO. "WAAH! I AM NOT BIG STAR ON WINNING AMERICAN TEAM! WAAH!"
The Grizzlies are a mess. Sometimes divorce is necessary for the sake of the kids, you know?
YOU ARE COMPARING THE TRADE TO A DIVORCE?! THE GRIZZLIES ARE STILL IN THERAPY AFTER THAT ASSAULT!
We're over our alloted quota of rape jokes for the day, which is ZERO. Moving on, what about Lamar Odom? He's a nice guy whose daughter died, and I love the quirkiness of his left-handed offensive game.
WHAT ABOUT LAMAR ODOM? MR CAPS BELIEVES THAT LAMAR ODOM'S SUSPENSIONS FOR MARIJUANA ARE NO COINCIDENCE, BECAUSE LAMAR FITS THE STONER REPUTATION. HE DOES NOT HURT ANYONE, BUT HE IS OUT OF IT MOST OF THE TIME. QUICK, CAN YOU REMEMBER ONE PIVOTAL MOMENT IN LAMAR'S CAREER? ANYTHING AT ALL?
I cannot. But your argument is that Lamar is bad because Lamar is boring? If that's the best you can do, I'm going to win this case that the Lakers are lovable yet. I still haven't mentioned Derek Fisher yet, otherwise known as my hole card. How can you not love this hard-working Christian veteran player?
ASK THE UTAH JAZZ. YOU ARE GOING TO TELL MR CAPS THAT THERE ARE NO FLIGHTS BETWEEN SALT LAKE CITY AND THE TREATMENT CENTER IN LA FOR HIS DAUGHTER? THE JAZZ ONLY LET HIM GO BECAUSE HE WAS EATING UP CAP ROOM AND THEY NEEDED GOOD PR. MR CAPS EXPECTS MR. "POINT 4" TO BE HUMILIATED BY CHRIS PAUL AND DERON WILLIAMS IN THE PLAY-OFFS.
Unfounded paranoia coupled with irrational hatred is no way to go through life. I grant you that it's surprising how little people are talking about the point guard match-ups in the play-offs. In the last games the Lakers played against each team, Paul had 27 pts and 17 assists, and Deron went 26 and 12.
But let's talk about that Laker bench. Quite a few decent guys on that bench with heartwarming stories. You have NBA tradition with Luke Walton and Cody Karl, European sharp-shooters in Sasha and Vladimir, and the heart-warming story of Ronny Turiaf's struggles with heart problems. What's not to love?
THE LAKERS BENCH IS LIKE A WHO'S WHO OF PREPPY NBA PLAYERS WHO CAN NOT ACTUALLY PLAY. IF MR CAPS HAD LADY PARTS, HE WOULD CARE ABOUT THE LAKERS BENCH. BUT BEING A MAN, HE FINDS COCKY OVERRATED PAC-10 ALUMS AND ANONYMOUS EURO-TRASH TO BE BORING AT BEST AND PUNCH-INDUCING AT WORST. RONNY'S HEART PROBLEMS ARE CANCELED OUT BY HIS DANCING PROBLEMS AND CLUBBING PROBLEMS, AS SEEN BELOW:
SPEAKING OF CLUBS, ARE NOT ALL THE LAKER BENCH PLAYERS GUYS YOU WOULD WANT TO FIGHT IF YOU MET THEM IN THE CLUB?
I don't have lady parts either, so I could care less about the looks of the bench. All right, enough about the players. Let's talk about Phil Jackson. He has overcome hip surgery and...wait, what's happening? I feel a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach! My palms are getting sweaty! I can't feel my face! What is it? I have had this feeling before, but I can't remember why it happens.
REJECTION BY A GIRL? ALTHOUGH YOU SHOULD RECOGNIZE THAT FEELING BY NOW.
No, it's...it's my Lakers hatred! It's back! Phil Jackson is an aging hippie who discarded his parents' Christianity for some vague Zen Buddhist teachings that justified his drug use! Despite fawning specials on his coolness during half-time, the only thing "hip" about Phil Jackson was recently replaced via surgery! Rather than take time off and re-unite with his second wife, he rushed to take the Laker job and hook up with the owner's daughter! He intentionally manipulated Kobe and the public perception of Kobe just so he could stay on Shaq's good side! He plays mind games with everyone, even beating up on the hard-working Horace Grant just so that the team would rally around Horace! Being some sort of psycho-babble guru in the NBA is like being the smartest student in a special ed class--who is his competition anyway? If it were not for having so many Hall-of-Famers on his team, he would not have won all those rings! WOO!!!
YES! FEED THE HATE! FEED THE HATE! WELCOME BACK TO THE LAKER HATERADE WAGON! DOWN WITH THE PURPLE AND GOLD! DOWN WITH THE AGING COURTSIDE CELEBRITIES HOOKED ON CENTRUM AND BOTOX! DOWN WIH THE FAIR-WEATHER FAITHFUL AND THEIR SENSE OF SPORTING ENTITLEMENT! IT IS GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK ON THE WAGON!
Phew, that was close. I almost made it through the entire Lakers roster, too. It's hard to hate the Laker players, but Phil Jackson is my Anti-Love. Ready for the NBA play-offs, MR CAPS?
YES, RIGHT AFTER MR CAPS FINISHES CREATING HIS MYSPACE PROFILE AS A FAKE FEMALE FAN OF THE BIG LEAD. WHAT'S THE OVER/UNDER ON HOW MANY COMMENTERS WILL BEFRIEND ME AND SEND ME DESPERATE MESSAGES?
Zero, just like real life, and it'll be you sending the desperate messages. Good luck with that.