After years of missing out on every single sports blogger gathering available (because I didn't live in New York, DC, LA, or Chicago), I am pleased to report that I am close to one of Will Leitch's Book Tour locations. Even better, Mr. Leitch has invited us readers to participate, although I'm sure what he had in mind was buying him drinks. But that's so shortsighted! There's so many more ways for us readers to participate. It's a chance to confirm people's worst fears about Internet bloggers!
See, usually when these gatherings occur, bloggers feel pressure to act normal, to convince each other that they aren't serial killers and do get out of their basements and meet people. How boring! Instead, why not take advantage of the anonymity and entertain yourself? A top 11 (for the Big Ten's sake) list of entertaining choices for the book tour stop follows.
1. Show up in full fan regalia of the Chicago Cubs (a Cardinals rival) and gush on and on about how you're so happy someone is FINALLY sticking up for the fan, that you spend $100 for each game you attend and it's TOO MUCH, that SOMEONE should have thought of this years ago, until someone finally gets up the nerve to say "Shut up, it's only a book!"
2. Show up pretending you thought the book tour was really for Jonathan Safran Foer and complain to people next to you that "He's not mentioning Everything is Illuminated!" and "He doesn't look Jewish enough!". When told that the tour is for Will Leitch, intentionally mis-pronounce the name as Will Litch and mutter incessantly to oneself "Will Litch. Weird name. Who is Will Litch? Not a great writer like Jonathan. Nope."
3. Show up in a black T-shirt reading "Will's #1 fan" and fake Will wig. Act like an over-the-top fanboy. Be way too excited and randomly reference "Black Table" and "Deadspin" columns to everyone--"You mean you don't remember #35 from Life as a Loser? How could you forget! That was awesome! What about #68? Nothing?" For extra creepiness credit (guys) make things more awkward by gushing about how pleased you are at Deadspin's coverage of gays in sports and (girls) tell everyone that you're going to have Will's baby someday, only "he doesn't know, don't tell him, it's a secret". Also demand to take your picture with Will on 23 separate occasions.
4. Show up in your high school sports team shirt. Tell people that you used to be quite an athlete "back in the day" and that some big school was looking at you before you blew out your knee. The ex-jock routine, where people can't make up their minds whether (1) You ever were a good athlete and (2) If they can risk threatening you with bodily harm to shut up if the answer to (1) is no, is a favorite.
5. Show up with a pillow under your shirt and claim to be Big Daddy Drew. Ruse is discovered when you have poor taste in beer, don't remember any obscure 80's bands, and fail to profess Adrian Peterson as your football lord and savior when given the opportunity.
6. Show up in full Florida regalia and claim to be Dan Shanoff. Ruse is discovered when you run out of Tim Tebow facts after only 15 minutes of conversation.
7. Show up wearing a shirt that says "+1 Champion, Deadspin.com, 2007 season" and claim to be Camp Tiger Claw. Ruse is discovered when your first few jokes are unamusing.
8. Show up in full Patriots regalia and claim to be SuperMike. Ruse is discovered after you fail to offend a single audience member.
9. Show up with a T-shirt reading "Too Soon, Will?" on the front and a picture of a plane hitting a building on the back. Claim to be Pot Roast and Gravy, lobbying to be allowed back on Deadspin.com. Ruse is discovered after people realize that no one gets banned from Deadspin for life unless they WANT to stay away.
10. Show up in a full suit and claim to be the Combudsmen, Rob Iracene. Ruse is discovered after you fail to complain about the unfunniness of someone's joke.
11. Show up in dark clothes and full-length jacket, hold notebook in hand with several pictures taped in there, keep up a bug-eyed stare, and pretend to be there to stalk one of the commenters on Deadspin (we'll say MCBias just because we don't want to give the real Internet weirdos ideas). Keep up a steady stream of deep breathing and asking people "Do you know if MCBias is here? I really want to MEET him, and go out for drinks with him. (looks down and then looks up with creepy look) I have a BIG basement. Did you know I have a big basement? I wonder if MCBias would like to see my basement. (Creepy pause, then acceleration of words) I have a lot of games there. And a bed. Did I mention I had a bed in my basement? Yeah, a bed, bed in my basement, yup, got a bed in my basement, ha-ha! Parents let me keep a bed in my basement, yup! (Stares at you again) Let me know if you've seen MCBias."
Ok, I'm probably too classy to actually do any of those, but you, slimy Internet weasel, should feel free to gain inspiration. Send me pictures if you do any of those! I'll post any book tour pictures if you send them, and may post my own as well.