Friday, January 18, 2008

Bostocalypse Now and Forever

I have Boston fever. I want the Patriots to win this weekend. I want them to demolish the Chargers by a score of 42-10, and I want each Patriot to take a turn imitating Shawne Merriman's lightning dance at midfield. Then I want the Patriots to win the Super Bowl in dominating fashion. I want Harrison to break Brett Favre in two on a ferocious blitz and then pretend he doesn't know the meaning of "roid rage" after the game. I want to retire the "Who was the best team" polls for the NFL because the Patriots were so dominant. Then I want the Boston Celtics to make a championship coach out of Doc Rivers and a household name out of Rajon Rondo. To top it all off, I want Jon Lester's formerly cancerous body to throw a no-hitter in Game 4 of the 2008 World Series, and out-dance Papelbon as the Red Sox celebrate back-to-back World Series wins. But that's not enough for me.

I want all Boston teams to win the championship again in 2009.

And then once more in 2010.
I want people to see "Celtic music" in the bookstore and wonder when Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen released their duet.
I want people to hear "Patriot Act" and think that's a new NFL rule aimed at breaking up the Patriot dynasty.
I want to see branded player products like "Garnett Gum", "Ortiz's Oranges" and "Papelpon's Pens" sold all over the US.
I want to see Harvard trustees vote to change the school name to "BHarvard", where the B is silent, just so they can put "B's" on their school clothing. Then the professors protest and insist on a vote...and vote 419-0 "For", just so they can show their Boston support too.
I want Rutgers and Rawlings to decide that their little red "R" needs a little sideways parenthesis on its bottom so it looks like a "B".
I want to see "Bostonize" in the urban dictionary, meaning "1. to dominate to the point of embarrassment; 2. to be victorious." I want to hear Soulja Boy release a new version of the song where they replace "Superman that" with "Bostonize that."
I want to watch as the President invites prominent Boston athletes to sit in the front row, just to boost his sagging approval ratings.
I want to see bookshelves everywhere straining under the weight of Boston athlete autobiographies, to the point that the books aren't even about sports anymore. I want classics like
Ryan O'Callaghan's "Adding the O' to your Relationship" and Glen Davis' "Care and Feeding for your New Big Baby: The First Six Months" to top the New York Times' best-seller lists.
I want Tom Brady to get his own show on TBN where the blind see after getting a Tom Brady spiral right between the eyes.

In short, I want Boston to reign supreme for the next three years, launching a Bostocalyptic dynasty on the sports world. Throw in Boston College and the Bruins while you're at it. Let confetti rain down like snow in January on Foxboro's turf! They deserve it--think of it, they went an ENTIRE DECADE without a championship! In the 80's, all they had was 3 NBA championships and 1, only one World Series appearance and Super Bowl visit. That's it! They deserve it, right Philadelphia, Cleveland, Seattle, and Buffalo fans? They've gone through a lot, right, Cubs fans?

Ah...but then I want to be there when Garnett blows out both knees after Rasheed Wallace undercuts him in the play-offs, when Randy Moss and Manny Ramirez get caught trying to sell kidnapped dwarves on eBay in a wacky scheme only they understand and spend a decade in prison, when the Patriots spy cam catches Rodney Harrison giving Tom Brady his weekly steroid injection under the stadium steps, when a desperate Hank Steinbrenner lures Theo Epstein to the Yankees by pointing out that NYC ladies are hotter, and when David Ortiz's bat stops hitting home runs.

Then, for the next twenty years, I want the universe restored to its rightful order, where Bill Belichick has as much chance of being named "the other man" in a divorce settlement as I have of being the father of Bridget Moynihan's next child, and Boston teams return to mediocrity after completely spoiling their fans.
I want to hear the cries of outraged adolescent Bill Simmons wanna-bes, because they can't publish "Now I can graduate high school in peace" without failing out of yet another year of school.
I want to watch any woman walk into a bar wearing "Patriots Super Bowl Champion" t-shirts and immediately know how old she is because she owns that shirt.
I want to smell no food in the tailgate lots, because all the fairweather fans are gone and even season ticket holders barely come for the game itself.
I want to see Fitzy Links on "" shrinking to one entry where you can find Fitzy, titled "Fitzy on Friend's Couch", and the site itself going from to I want to read that Bill Simmons' dad refuses to be interviewed for the column anymore, and considers sports a waste of time. I want the Red Sox Monster to change its name to "Red Sox Midgets." I want to watch the tears flow as the dad puts Boston gear on his newborn son, the kid starts crying, and the dad says mournfully "He already knows!."
I want to hear brash young talk radio hosts hanging up on elderly Bostonians whose voice quavers as they beg to be allowed to relive the glories of Brady and Belichick one last time.
I want to see Harvard literature professors attempting to be funny and saying "If The Scarlet Letter was written today, Hestor Prynne would be wearing a scarlet 'B'."...and the class laughs!
I want to know the magic phrases to make tough Bostonian construction workers cry in the bar--phrases like “Kevin Garnett knee injury” or “Tom Brady diminishing skills."
I want to watch the President openly plead with Bob Kraft to change the team name from Patriots, because they don't deserve to represent America.
I want people to see your "B" hat and ask you "What does the 'B' stand for?"

Enjoy the good times while they last, Boston fans, and brag in the comments about how your teams are so much better than ours. You earned this moment--or at least players wearing the name of your town did. And
many of you are classy, fun fans. But please, give us other fans a break. This was written for fun and amusement today. Give me another six months of Boston overkill, and I'll mean every last word.
Bitter Cleveland Fan

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