Last Tuesday, a quiet newsday, the NBA let it be known that Sam Mitchell, a coach of the Toronto Raptors, of Canada, had won the coach of the year. Yes, the same Sam Mitchell who won the worst coach in the league award last year in an informal SI poll. I read the article in ESPN, which mentioned the "nationwide panel of 128 sportswriters and broadcasters." That seemed innocent enough to me, until I dug deeper and read the Orlando Sentinel, that guardian of American freedoms: "a panel of 128 sports writers and broadcasters from the United States and Canada."
Aha! Then it was all too clear to me. ESPN.com, located in Bristol, Connecticut, is all too close to the Canadian border. They are helpless against retaliation. But the truth could only be found in sunny Florida, far from the watchful gaze of the powerful Canadian media and sports mafia.
Oh, you scoff. You mock. You really think those blank spaces on the map of the Canadian provinces are uninhabited? That they are NOT being used to breed killer robots on skis? Your beliefs will be of little comfort to you when we all live in igloos and speak Eskimoean. I've already begun preparations by learning all the words for snow. It's funny how the US government has been blind to this, turning a frantic eye to our sunny southern borders while the avalanche awaits us to the north. But I digress. Here's hoping the Canadian sports mafia has yet to learn of technorati.com, or MCBias has posted his last post.
Shrewd David Stern, sensing the threat to the NBA, lured the dangerous NHL south and out of Canada, on false promises of profit and the words of his quisling disciple Bettman. Once out of its home base, the American behemoth attacked it head-on, bribing owners, players, and fans alike to bring the sport to its knees. This culminated in the near-extinction of the NHL in the strike of 2004-2005. During this time the Canadian media, having no hockey to cover, discovered this sport called "basketball" that employed a Canadian by the name of Steve Nash. Naturally, they flooded the supposedly exclusive 128-member voting panel with Canadians, and Steve Nash was voted MVP twice. Revenge against Stern was sweet. Who would have believed that the country with 1 NBA team had outwitted the country with 29 teams?
Then, a Toronto representative pointed out to his brethren that their infiltration was not a true display of Canadian might. "There's too much evidence that Nash could have been the MVP. I'm sure there's been one other player under 6'4" to be voted MVP in the last 25 years, right? But what if we'd make Sam Mitchell the NBA Coach of the Year?" the Toronto representative said. "It should have been obvious to anyone that a coach who was not having his contract extended and was adding the #1 draft pick and a great GM to his team couldn't be responsible to his team's success. But those Americans will be too busy with the NFL Draft this week to notice that. Canadian sports shall rise again...through BASKETBALL!"
And so it has begun. Oh, you laugh at me now. But just wait until the NBA All-Pro teams come out, and Jamal Magliore is your starting center. But then it will be too late. I wonder if killer robots fire lasers or simply rely on sheer physical force to crush their prey? And are they vulnerable to heat? Perhaps they may yet stop before the Everglades. We'll know soon enough.
And if this is the first place in my post you realize this is a joke, I'm scared for our children's future. But I have no fear for my bank account and enlarged ego.