Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Five People You Meet at Super Bowl Parties

The only thing more entertaining than the game is the people you watch the game with. Here are five types and my method for amusing myself with each type.

Fanatical Fred is the only real fan of either team at the party, and spends the entire party loudly hooting and hollering for his favorite team. You'd ask why he didn't go somewhere else to watch the game with fellow fans, but then Fred is awkward and single (What is it with fanatical fans often being real-life rejects?) and it's kind of self-explanatory.
Result: Everyone at the party starts cheering for the other team as the night wears on until Fred's outnumbered 10-1.

Numbers Ned enjoys the pre-game show and half-time analysis more than the game itself. He enjoys telling you a million obscure facts that he learned while being the only human on earth to watch every minute of every pre-game show.
Result: Intentionally mess up easy facts around Numbers Ned, just to make him flip out. "It's very impressive that the Patriots have won 17 games in a row, isn't it Ned?" "Hey Ned, is it good or bad that the receiver dropped that ball?", etc. Unfortunately, Ned is often the boyfriend of...

Socioeconomic Sally, who sucks all the joy out of the game by comparing every event to social, economic, and political issues. By the 3rd quarter, when she's trying to draw a connection between Wes Welker, the black referee, and the declining quality of inner city schools, everyone just wants her to shut up.
Result: Accuse her of being a sell-out for joining the hoi polloi to watch such a materialistic, wasteful event. She'll get really angry for 10 minutes, but then quiets down as she begins to feel guilty for being there.

Waffling Wanda spends the entire game trying to decide which team she wants to root for. She alternates between plaintively pining for Tom Brady while simultaneously judging him for dumping Bridget, and don't forget the ever-important "Which team has nicer uniforms?" debate. The guys in the room would be angry, if not for the fact that Waffling Wanda usually is an attractive woman.
Result: As soon as Waffling Wanda seems to be leaning definitively toward one team, give her a reason to like the other team. "Bill Belichick has terrible fashion sense. How can you root for the Patriots?"

Metrosexual Milton is Wanda's boyfriend, and has all the other guys beat in fashion sense, personal wealth, and professionalism. However, he secretly doesn't know very much about football at all, and is terrified that this makes him less of a man in the eyes of Wanda or the rest of the guys. Of course, it doesn't, but he doesn't know that. Milton cheers a second later than everyone else (to make sure it's ok) and makes a lot of "Oh, this could be interesting" type comments that could mean anything.
Result: Bait Metrosexual Milton to start cheering for incomplete passes. Tell him that punters kick the ball so high because if it hits the dome ceiling, their team gets 5 points.

By the way, I have to thank the college students and strangers who helped host my personal party of one for Super Bowl Sunday. You all, thankfully, fit into none of these categories. Special thanks to the older gentleman who told me about being in Miami to see Joe Namath beat the Colts in 1969. He thought that the Jets win was a bigger upset, for the record, but not by much.


  1. Ohmygosh this is super funny. I think I am a version of Fanatical Fred, except I'd like to think I'm a whole lot less obnoxious. Totally wanted to Giants to win so I'm content :)

  2. ha! i love this. wish i had this as a sign-in to my party. pick who you are and stick to it.

  3. You forget Box Pool Billy, the guy (or gal) who doesn't know much about football, but keeps rooting for his numbers to come up.

    "Oh, this is it... if the Giants can get the safety here, than if the Patroit can score a drop kick on the ensuring possession, I'm good!"

    This guy flip flops on what team he's "cheering for" at least ten times a game, dependending on what the score is!

  4. Ok, what about the chick that picks a team to root for at some point before the game for whatever reason. Then procedes to scream, yell, jump, and cheer excessively every time this team does something good, despite not having any connection to this team besides deciding to root for them a half hour before kickoff.

    This chick is usually a former high school cheerleader.

    Incidentally, and unfortunately for me, this chick is sometimes my sister.

    PS. If YOUR team (like the team you actually are a fan of, not a team you just picked to root for to make things interesting because your team isn't in it) is playing against the team this obnoxious chick has decided to root excessively for, it will take all of your human might to stop yourself from throwing her out of a window.